Ever notice how it's the little things in life that amuse us so much? More to the point, ever notice how it's the silly little idiocies in life that amuse us more than anything else? Well, this is not as much ''the little blog that could'' as it is ''the blog that enjoys going up the down escalator in your local mall.'' Will it have anything of real importance? No, probably not. But enjoy the ride never the less!

 


It’s been about two weeks since the last bit of nowhere, and roughly a week since our store moved to its newer, swankier location. I’ve spent most of both those times either exhausted at work, exhausted at home or attempting to fight off a particularly nasty cold. (Up until today, the head cold and I were stalemated…and then it migrated down into my throat, following the path of least resistance. Now I sound like I’ve got lungs filled with sawdust whenever I talk. Sure it gets me lots of sympathetic customers, but dammit, there goes my hopes of singing soprano.)

Hm? You’re asking about the move? It was mostly good news on that front. Since the new location was bigger, we spent more time figuring out where to put everything. Moving it was the easy part, especially since I discovered that we could just load up a couple of our display bunks with mounds of random stock and just roll them through the employee access corridors. Then again, I did manage to break one bunk in the process (don’t worry; it was a bunk getting sent back to the warehouse anyways), either proving something about physics or how craptastically-built the bunks are. My money’s on the latter. But not the latte. I’m not a coffee guy.

Our new stockrooms are also amazingly huge, separately and combined. I fear we’re going to need the space, since we’re selling quite a lot of stock and I know Head Office loves flattening their stores with more crap—er, glorious merchandise than they can comfortably hold.

I am also aware that any sort of move like this requires a hiccup or two, and this proved no exception. The first hiccup was more or less a hiccup, and it primarily involved my annoyance at two other store managers brought in to help us move & merchandise the new store. Don’t get me wrong, I appreciated the help. But when both managers were telling me how to do things based on their store layouts (both of which were vastly different from mine), I get admittedly twitchy. On more than one occasion, what they said and what was physically possible were not two congruous things. Although I did get a kick out of being told my ceiling signage was wrong, only to smile and tell them, “That’s how our District Manager wanted it.” Which trumped and completely negated any protest they could have given me.

Oh, schadenfreude, how I lovesies you!

The other bit of asshat-ery came courtesy of Head Office. This I should have expected: they were so on-the-ball when it came to building the new store, it was only a matter of time before the other proverbial shoe fell. Fortunately, the shit and fan it subsequently hit were not my business or domain, at it were. Apparently our lease on the old temporary location ended at midnight of the last day of our move (a Wednesday). I guess Head Office believed they still had it to the end of the week (a Saturday, and obviously not a Wednesday) despite being told otherwise. As a result, they couldn’t clear out everything they wanted from the old location. They were able to remove anything that wasn’t bolted to the walls or ceiling. For the most part, this was fine. However…the slat walls that were bolted to the walls were all new, and the H/O execs wanted it for other stores.

Oops?

This particular situation gave me one hell of a headache last Friday evening, because of course Murphy’s Law has to be in full effect: our maintenance guy, Tom (horray for Tom, who hates Head Office asshat-ery too!), arrived to dismantle the store…only to discover it was nigh impossible. I hadn’t been informed of anything, and I made the mistake of assuming that since it was Head Office’s business they’d be competent enough to take care of things. Aha haaaaa…dumbasses. So being the closest thing to a liason, I got to spend Friday evening trying to contact the mall and Head Office to smooth something over.

Bear in mind: Friday. Evening.

No luck from Head Office, they’d all buggered out of the offices by then. But through an amazing stroke of luck, we managed to find someone from the mall who was able to at least allow us to remove the unbolted things (bunks, cash counter, shelves) for the next day. It ended decently enough, I suppose, but that’s not how I wanted to spend my last hour of work on a Friday.

And the opening?

Busy. Busybusybusybusybusybusy!!!

The three days of “Grand Opening” for the mall saw hordes of people tromping through to check out the new stores, the new foodcourt and the new wing. We did gangbuster business ourselves, earning what I know will be the first on-budget month we’ve had in exactly a year. (By sheer random happenstance, exactly a year ago we moved to our sketchy temp location, and no one apparently knew we were still in the mall, so people never even bothered to look for us let alone shop with us.) The human traffic is only starting to quiet down now, but we’re still getting more people in than before. Makes me optimistic about the Christmas season…then again, I am still actively looking for another vocation that has a fairer pay-for-the-punishment ratio to it.

Our store traffic was trifling compared to some of the other new faces, like Bath & Body Works, or Pink by Victoria Secret. (Mel squees with delight over the first one, but could care less about the latter. And she’s indifferent about lattes too.) They were barely even standing room only, and even now draw sizeable crowds.

For me the big draws are: the new crepe place just up the corridor from us (mmmm…crepes. Oh, Café Crepe in Toronto, how I miss you!), and the fact that the Coles bookstore is right across the hall from us.

Speaking of, I learned an interesting fact from one of my friends working at Coles. For proper context, Coles moved from an older location in the mall like us, but they were closed for a full week prior to the Grand Opening. Understandable, given the sheer volume and weight of what they had to cart back & forth. However, not everyone was pleased. The assistant manager there told me that when they reopened, they were overwhelmed by a crowd of older women who HAD to have their romance novels. As in: they were ready to kill & eat anyone in their way. Their withdrawal was that terrifying.

There. Now you’re caught up on this blog. Don’t you feel special? Don’t you feel enlightened? Don’t you feel the urge to declare this blog the bestest ever thing since No Pants Day?

What? You don’t?

Well then, we’ll just have to fix that by leaving you all basking in my utter gloriousness with my own special “no pants” state!






Dammit. Stupid Interwebs...


Today’s Lesson: nothing is quite so ominous as a funeral home advertising a “free gift” for filling out a mail-in survey. “Oh look, honey, what a cute little toy headstone! Is that for me…and did I forget your birthday again?”

Labels: glorious no pants fail, one store two store new store screwed-by-Head-Office store

posted by Phillip at 4:24 AM

 


Thanksgiving weekend is upon us, and I for one will be enjoying taking a day off to relax and ideally not do much of anything--aside from eating, of course. But all things in good time. For right now I'm still stuck in "most work on new store" mode. I've been in that mode for the last few days, as we've finally been able to start moving all the backstock (well, what little backstock we had since our backroom was the size of a pithy walk-in closet) and excess stock.

Unlike last year--and funny enough, we'll be moving again almost a year to the exact day from last year-s move--we've had more time and opportunity to prepare ourselves. Head Office hasn't been smashing us with new stock, and the new store is larger so we don't have to downsize our merchandise. Most of the effort is just figuring out how to arrange everything in the new set-up.

Last time around I pushed myself into near-exhaustion and gave myself a rather nasty cold in the process. This time around, time and experience are proving me right. True, I've been nursing a cold for the last few days, but the cold showed up outside of all the stock to-and-fro'ing, and I've been taking Buckley's as a preventative measure. (Tastes like ass, but oh, does it work so well!)

As of now, all that's left is to dismantle the wall displays and move the bunk displays. And we won't be doing that until Tuesday/Wednesday, since we'll still be open for most of those days and we kinda need something to sell. In the meantime, our stockroom and the back half of the current store are very sparse and empty. On the other hand, our new store's stockroom is filled with extra crap and still has ample space to spare.

Here is where the joy leaps in and breaks out into song. Our new back room is in fact 2 back rooms, and each of them are large and have shelves all over the place. Suddenly I don't have to turn sideways just to get around the door. Suddenly I don't hit the back of either stockroom after walking two steps. Suddenly our bathroom isn't hidden behind a mound of repaired luggage waiting to be picked up.

This makes me smile so very much. It also makes me worry, because I'm finding far too much joyousness in having large stockroom(s) again. I'm one step away from proudly declaring a Hawaiian Shirt Day at work.

Which reminds me: a few days ago was National "Walk To School Day," where we were all encouraged to walk not just to school, but to walk anywhere for a half-hour to promote physical fitness and well-being. I don't know how the weather was for anyone else, but over here it poured down rain the entire day. Somehow I can't exactly picture parents letting their kids tromp out in a downpour for a half-hour.

And yet, somehow I can almost see this particular parental remark occurring: "Hooray for physical fitness...now get your ass out there, little Billy, and don't give me any of that 'but I'll get sick with a cold' crap either! This is a national day. I let you get away with all that talking like a pirate, so you're going to march out there and you're going to like it no matter how soaked you are!"

Labels: moving the store, National Get Soaked On The Way To School Day, stockroom surprises

posted by Phillip at 7:44 AM

 

For any of you who listen to the radio, maybe you've heard the ads for Property Guys-dot-com. The one that caught my prying ears especially was the one that went, "Paying agent fees for real estate is about as useful as rubber lips on a woodpecker." Which would be a great comparison...if woodpeckers actually possessed lips. Being birds and all, you know, I was pretty darned sure they had beaks/bills. Say it all with me now: FAIL.

Anyhoo...

There's roughly 2 weeks left before we move into our swanky new store. They've finished construction on it, and I must say the new digs are a vast improvement over the current just-try-to-hide-the-crap temp job. For one thing, our new store is white and shiny. Very white and very shiny. And our stockroom is actually 2 stockrooms. With lots of shelves. I can't even begin to say how joyous I am to have shelves again.

For once our Head Office has actually done something mostly right. Of course...as Newton's Law dictates, every action has an equal and opposite reaction. That opposite reaction came today in a "daily reminder" that showed up on our computer's main screen. And I quote: "Remember: retail is people. Your people. Make them feel special." Now I don't know about you, but that phrasing sounds rather Engrish, vaguely dirty and definitely in need of an editor.

I feel sullied just by reading it. How about you? But let's not dwell on vaguely dirty, sullying things. In other news, would you perhaps like a chandelier shaped like a penis?

http://gizmodo.com/5360742/penis-chandelieryes-penis-chandelier

I know I would. Not only would it make a great conversational piece at parties, but if there was some sad tragedy involving said chandelier, I would be able to make even more great conversation at later parties by saying, "You think this party is wild? You should have been here last month. This giant crystal penis fell from the ceiling and just crushed this poor bastard! Hah ha ha haaaaa...so, anyone want me to put on a Backstreet Boys album?"

But so as to ensure the chandelier leave a bad taste in your interior decorating mouth, I'll cap off this little bit of nowhere with a particular cool (but sadly now "shuffled the mortal coil") Japanese cafe. Jason pointed this out in his LJ, and Mel pointed it to me:

http://www.cabel.name/2009/09/kashiwa-mystery-cafe.html

The idea of buying the next person's order, while you receive your predecessor's order, would make for a fun cafe. I'd definitely have enjoyed the surprise...and ideally had enough cash to make things really interesting for whomever came after me.

Labels: english fail, kashiwa mystery cafe, retail is people (like soylent green), this is me attempting not to make a penis joke in the labels

posted by Phillip at 5:14 PM